A Lame Respondant

No excuses. I can honestly say I've been absolutely awful at responding to correspondence recently.

I have easily had over 25 personal messages, each as deserving of a response as any other.

I haven't sent a single response.

Sorry to everyone that's written. You deserve a response.

The problem is that your message discussed or hinted at one (or more) of these topics; my early demise, poignant moments in life we've shared, or what a role model I have been to you or people you know, or it just whiffs of nostalgia.

I don't know - at the moment - how to respond to that

I mean, thanks for the gesture of working on a message, but i haven't figured out how I feel about those types of messages.

(If I don't explain this perfectly, I'm going to sound like a complete dickhead.)

The messages are all very nice and say very complimentary things about me, but to truly soak in their entire meaning, their intent...well, it feels as if I'm conceding defeat.

And I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet.

So, to recap; they're all really nice messages, but I'm not going to read them at the moment.

Here's what I'll do; I'll save every message and I'll treat the collection of messages like fuel for my fire...as motivation.

When the time comes, when defeat seems inevitable and imminent, then I'll read them all, and bask in your friendship.

I'm basically playing a mind game with myself.

Am I making any sense?

Either way, thanks for all the messages.