And again...

Here I am again... about a year after my last post and in a similar place. Must be the time of the year. I don't post very often because changes in my life are incremental now... not easy to track or to write about. 

On any given day, there is a montage of self-help strategies, inspirational quotes, and second guessing that is constantly running through my head. Sometimes I think I should go out and work really hard to make change in my life (not throw away my shot), and other times I feel like I have to be willing to wait for it. And when the time is right, it will come. But what is that "it" that I am waiting for? I often feel desperation for it, but I don't know what it is. Just something. 

So every day my brain battles this out. I could probably argue each side equally, and they have a similar sized presence in my head. Some changes I can achieve on my own, and I have several things I am very proud of. I have been working out consistently for about a year, and I know I've come a long way. I survived another year of teaching and had some really good moments. I have budged my children through another year of growth and we're all still speaking to each other. And I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone quite a few times... and I'm very proud of that. 

I am still missing a man in my life, and the pragmatic part of me argues that it shouldn't matter. That I don't need a man in my life and I shouldn't sit around pining after one. What the thoughts in my head need to tell me is that this feeling is normal. I don't NEED a man, I have proved that over the last four years. But I think it's okay to want one... to have someone to share things with, to prop me up when I am doubting, to balance me, to pick up the slack when my tank is out of gas, maybe even to mow the grass or cook dinner occasionally. Plus I'm still lonely. 

So maybe the "it" I am waiting for is for this guy to walk into my life. Maybe. Things are getting better slowly, and I'm thankful for that. But those voices in my head keep swirling around... hopefully they are pointing me toward the direction I need to go. And hopefully I can find that "it" along the way.  

Postscript: Whenever I see an inspirational article or video about grief, it always seems like the person speaking has found another relationship. So maybe it's not just me.