And again...

Here I am again... about a year after my last post and in a similar place. Must be the time of the year. I don't post very often because changes in my life are incremental now... not easy to track or to write about. 

On any given day, there is a montage of self-help strategies, inspirational quotes, and second guessing that is constantly running through my head. Sometimes I think I should go out and work really hard to make change in my life (not throw away my shot), and other times I feel like I have to be willing to wait for it. And when the time is right, it will come. But what is that "it" that I am waiting for? I often feel desperation for it, but I don't know what it is. Just something. 

So every day my brain battles this out. I could probably argue each side equally, and they have a similar sized presence in my head. Some changes I can achieve on my own, and I have several things I am very proud of. I have been working out consistently for about a year, and I know I've come a long way. I survived another year of teaching and had some really good moments. I have budged my children through another year of growth and we're all still speaking to each other. And I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone quite a few times... and I'm very proud of that. 

I am still missing a man in my life, and the pragmatic part of me argues that it shouldn't matter. That I don't need a man in my life and I shouldn't sit around pining after one. What the thoughts in my head need to tell me is that this feeling is normal. I don't NEED a man, I have proved that over the last four years. But I think it's okay to want one... to have someone to share things with, to prop me up when I am doubting, to balance me, to pick up the slack when my tank is out of gas, maybe even to mow the grass or cook dinner occasionally. Plus I'm still lonely. 

So maybe the "it" I am waiting for is for this guy to walk into my life. Maybe. Things are getting better slowly, and I'm thankful for that. But those voices in my head keep swirling around... hopefully they are pointing me toward the direction I need to go. And hopefully I can find that "it" along the way.  

Postscript: Whenever I see an inspirational article or video about grief, it always seems like the person speaking has found another relationship. So maybe it's not just me. 

Reflection

I have been mulling over a new post for months. I could just never complete a narrative... never bring my thoughts to some conclusion or direction. So this is a good old status update... where I've been and where I am now. Not too exciting or insightful, but worthy all the same.

I finished my first year of work, but it was touch and go. Sometimes the most basic things were a struggle. But I survived, the girls survived, and my students might have even learned something. I would say that the balance of the year was a success... although maybe only barely. Middle-schoolers seem to appreciate my jokes (at least a little) and some of them actually still like history, so maybe that's my niche. My school family was very supportive and understanding and managed to ignore all the meetings I skipped and balls I dropped. Hopefully this year will be a little easier and I will have my head slightly above the proverbial water.

The girls and I have reached a new level in our relationship. They have suddenly decided that they love me extremely and actually like to tell me about it too. We've had some great adventures this year, and each memory is precious. We met Thomas Jefferson together, went to the Room Where It Happens, fulfilled a dream of mine, and watched a whole lot of football/soccer. I still don't know where I'd be without them and I hope every day that I can be the mother they need me to be.

And for me, I've gained a new appreciation for the journey I'm on. I have realized I have to figure out how to be me again. Not the me I was before I was married, but a new one who is the compilation of all those mes that have come before. (I'll refer to my previous post about widow-lescence) It has taken me nearly three years to learn how to make decisions on my own. I was just so used to having Tony to discuss things with that I lost confidence in decisions I made. I'm better at it now. So there are all these little pieces that are very slowly moving into place... and I'm trying to remember that it just takes time. At the end of this year, I'll complete my 40th trip around the sun... time to settle in, appreciate all I have, all that I have lost, and sit back to see what happens next.

Domino's Delivers the Conway Cup

This year would have been the 7th Conway Cup... I say "would" because we couldn't make it work this year. The one day that we could get the fields was the same day that VMI had scheduled FTX (field training exercises) and nearly all of our work force and several of our teams would have been gone. I do a lot of the work leading up to the Cup, but I do very little on the day. The cadets do all that and without them we just couldn't make it happen.

I was super bummed about having to cancel, but I'll admit that I also had serious doubts about my ability to get it all done now that I'm back to work. Maybe a break this year is a blessing in disguise. I am committed to trying again next year though... hopefully we can bring it back!

My biggest disappointment was that I could help our local ALS families with the proceeds from the Cup this year. A chance conversation with a local business owner fixed that though. Our local Domino's will be sharing a portion of their profits with us this week, and all that will go to our local friends still fighting ALS. I'm super grateful for their support and help and super grateful for everyone who orders from them this week... even the drunk college students who aren't aware of the good they are doing.

Princess Reality

**WARNING** deep secrets will be revealed below**

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had a particular habit when trying to go to sleep. I would always daydream (or would this be nightdream?) about me and a certain handsome fellow. The fellow and what we were doing (ahem) changed over time, but the premise was always the same. I found it was always useful for turning my brain off and settling down for sleep. Very occasionally it would morph into an actual dream as well, always a bonus.

After meeting Tony, he was always the man of my dreams, literally and figuratively. When he got sick, it became harder because ALS did a serious number on our physical romance. ALS even invaded my dreams, and it's just another reason I'll never stop hating it. I could never work out a successful daydream of us heading into the sunset in his wheelchair.

After Tony died, that problem lingered and I still haven't really been able to settle back into this habit. For one, there is no one to star in my dreams anymore. And lately this type of daydream leaves me feeling more pathetic than anything else.

My new plan is to daydream about the thing that is even more elusive than the perfect guy... a capable and confident Amanda. It's still an incredibly unlikely thing, but it seems marginally more realistic at this point.

If nothing else, it is apparently maddeningly dull... I'm usually asleep within a few minutes.

A girl can always dream, right?

Unfinished Thoughts

When I write a blog post, I usually have it completely thought through in my head. I work out the theme, figure out why it's relevant, and then try to bring it to conclusion. But lately, I haven't been able to do that. Either I've got too many other things floating through my head, or I just haven't finished processing these things yet. Either way, I find myself struggling these days.

I've successfully completed one quarter of the school year, and things have gone fairly well. I am teaching two different social studies classes in middle school. My students are good, my colleagues are great, and I even survived parent-teacher conferences. My girls seem to have adjusted to me working fairly well. They have everyone at my school trained to give them candy, and this week spent some time destroying the superintendent's office (and somehow he didn't mind). I've never worked since Cora was in school, but since my hours are basically the hours they are in school, maybe it doesn't seem that different to them. 

Here are a few of my struggles...

Starting over is hard. I am starting over in about 5 ways and they all wear me down. I find myself so exhausted and drained that I can barely think straight. Lots of my responsibilities are suffering and I will probably never get a chance to catch up. I know this is probably all normal for a working single mom. What scares me is that I can't imagine it getting easier any time soon. This whole school year will be a grueling, uphill struggle. If I stay, next year I'll at least have some lesson plans, but teaching is never an easy job. 

Parent-teacher conferences served as a reminder of all the ways teachers need to support their students... the student who isn't capable of getting their homework actually home; the student who struggles socially and has trouble with bullies; the student who has a horrible situation at home, and is doing well just to make it to school. And it's not that I'm not compassionate toward them... I do care and want to help. But I barely have enough compassion and energy for myself. When I think about how much support my students need, I know I don't have enough to give them. 

I also spent a few minutes with a wonderful woman, mom of two, whose husband has ALS. This is the first year when things will really change for them, and the strain she is under was apparent. That was me four or five years ago. Just being in that room with her was hard. I wanted to run away, but at the same time wanted to give her a big hug. My palms were sweating, but I also wanted to go to her house and take over her duties while she went to the spa for several hours. 

I have a least learned to recognize the signs when I become completely overwhelmed, and when I feel that way, I just need to go to bed. I'm always glad to have survived another week, but then I remember I still have to get ready for the next week. 

My last years have been years of struggle. I was starting to feel better, more normal (whatever that means). I suppose going back to work has just thrown me back into the quagmire. I'm thankful for all that I have, of course. I'll be here, sleeping or struggling until I fight my way back out again.